I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I would ride that face into the sunset
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
