when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize
