shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
