I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
