i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
never play flip cup with pint glasses
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
