Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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