remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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