Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
