i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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