onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
We just shotgunned beers for America
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
