I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
my liver is dry heaving
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