my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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