The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
nutella sex= disaster
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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