I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
