Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
