I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
