but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Randomize
