How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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