Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
