i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
