sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I feel like death gave me a hand job
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Randomize
