Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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