my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
