we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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