can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Randomize
