Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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