Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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