A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
