After last night, I could never be a politician.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
This is the high leading the old right now
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
