I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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