One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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