he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
