textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
