There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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