Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
