On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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