Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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