I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
