Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
