it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Randomize
