Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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