Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Randomize
