I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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