Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
