My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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