he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
