Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I need to align my fucking chakras
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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