Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
