i dedicated my morning wood to you.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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