Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
In other news, I just burned my penis
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
