Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Randomize
