I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
