I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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