I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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