No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
