Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
did i walk over a car last night?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
