Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Randomize
