So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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