Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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