Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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