drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
