alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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