walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
